Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
