So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
