WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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