I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
