i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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