Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
two words: eviction party
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
