Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
