i don't like sucking hair
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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