Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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