Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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