I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You may now shotgun with the bride
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
