I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
