just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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