Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That accounts for only three of the penises
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize