Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Terrible idea I love it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
