How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
