New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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