This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
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He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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