oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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