i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
ttyl tear gas
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
