I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
