does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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