Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
