I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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