She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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