Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
