So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
