last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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