woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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