Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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