I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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