im drinking this country out of the recession.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
