how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
