Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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