The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
