My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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