Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
