he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
