u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
