...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
