I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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