Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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