I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
