Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
