everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
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I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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