and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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