i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
