So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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