i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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