Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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