he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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