saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
