Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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