Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
