i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
