I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
