I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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