you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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