Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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