Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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