1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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